USA Holiday Solutions by Sally Wild
USA Holiday Solutions presents: The United States of Mediocrity. A 114-day tour through sub-standard America. Here are just all of the highlights of a trip packed with some things:
Day 1. Spend an uncomfortable seventy-two hours at the best little warehouse in Texas.
Day 5. Free day. You may want to spend this time sitting in your motel room, pretending not to notice the stains, or trying to get some sleep while a man next door laughs, at random intervals.
Day 7. Visit the Washington Museum of Pens and Pencils and see the exact same replica pen that an actor playing Abraham Lincoln in Lincoln: The man and his dream used to write a replica of the Gettysburg Address.
Day 9. Sit alone in a bar and watch the second half of Waterworld (starring Academy-Award winner Kevin Costner) on the TV over the bar with the sound turned down just low enough so that you can neither ignore it nor make out what anyone’s actually saying.
Day 10. Free day. Wander the streets of Bubbleburst, Idaho, and marvel at the way the derelict buildings look even more boring than they do in the brochure.
Day 11 - 97. Greyhound bus experience. Yes, eighty-six days in a Greyhound bus, stopping only for horrific freeway pile-ups, twisters and twice-weekly toilet breaks.
Day 98 - 110. Ohio State Hospital. At last! Time to give your credit cards a real workout!
Day 111-114. Three nights in New York City, Alabama. See the Empire State Barn, the magnificent Statue of Liberace, and the Ground Zero Coffee Shop.
Day 115. Return flights to Glasgow airport. What’s that? You started from Stansted? Uh, you did?
