The Jedi Guide to Clubbing by Ben Langley
Jedi beware! Clubbing can be a very dangerous activity, but this guide will prepare you for all possible occurrences.
Getting into the club can be fraught with danger, as you will have to get past the bouncers. The typical attire of a Jedi is not something that would usually be allowed. Jedi mind tricks may work – ‘my name is down. I am going in’ will usually be sufficient, though ‘your footwear is fine’ may also be required.
Some bouncers’ brain functions are too slow for mind tricks – they are as wide as they are tall, with knuckles scraping along the ground, and possess the linguistic skills of an inebriated Wookiee. But looking like a Wookiee does not mean he has the intelligence of one. In order to get past, put your hood up and follow a group of good-looking girls. You’ll be able to slip in undetected as he attempts a wolf whistle.
Once inside, take a good look at the dance floor. See those youngsters bearing what look like light sabres? Do not be fooled: these are not youthful Jedi, but teens with glo' sticks. These glo' sticks are not dangerous, so you have no need to protect yourself from them. You can use your light sabre as a glo' stick, should you desire a little attention on the dance floor, but first it would be wise to visit the bar.
At the bar you may be tempted to purchase a beer. Do not do this. Beer is the path to the dark side. Beer leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. Remember that The Force is what gives a Jedi their power. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. It can be found in many of the exotic cocktails available from the bar.
Check the colour of these cocktails and think of light sabres – be wary of anyone drinking anything red. Beware of the Dark Side: the alco-pops. If once you start down the dark path, forever it will dominate your destiny, until you find yourself eating a kebab and throwing up in an alley outside.
Remember that a Jedi can feel The Force flowing through him – more so after a few cocktails. Now is the time to hit the dance floor. Do not copy the dance moves of others. Who is the more foolish: the fool or the fool that follows him? The ability to dance is insignificant next to the power of The Force. Let The Force move your body to the music.
Feel free to use The Force to clear a space on the dance floor. A Jedi uses The Force for knowledge and defence, never for attack, and yet dance is another acceptable use of The Force.
With these tips, go forth and enjoy your clubbing experience and remember The Force will be with you, always.
