Nanny Knows Best by Vicki Jarrett
Having a horrible time with your little darlings? Wondering why you ever thought being a parent was a good idea? Fear not! Help is at hand. In our weekly ‘Nanny Knows Best’ feature, we connect you with the real experts in childcare – good old-fashioned nannies. They really do know best. This week, the formidable Nanny Floggem has little Timmy Limpet’s issues well and truly taped.
Dear Nanny Floggem,
We’re at our wits’ end with our darling five year old, Timmy. Timmy was a normal baby, if a little loud and disinclined to sleep. However, since around the age of two, these problems have paled into insignificance alongside the frequent and colourful outbursts of swearing, spitting, hitting, hair-pulling and throwing of furniture. We’ve tried to ignore the bad behaviour and praise the good, as the current mantra goes, but that simply leaves us ignoring him all the time, which isn’t easy when his teeth are sunk deep into your shin. We’ve been waiting for three years now for him to do something remotely good so that we can praise him, but it just hasn’t happened. We’ve had him to the doctors but our GP refuses to diagnose him with any kind of disorder. Instead, he told us we need professional parenting help and that Timmy needs to ‘stop being an annoying little toe-rag’. Please help! You’re out last hope, short of an exorcist, and they’re not easy to find.
Nanny Floggem replies:
Two words – Duct Tape. I’m amazed you haven’t thought of it before. This effective method of child training can be used anywhere around the home and is also portable for social occasions and eating out. Just pop that roll of Duct Tape in your handbag and off you go. A couple of lengths to secure him to a chair will keep him from being a nuisance. Should little Timmy be having a good day, you can leave his hands free so that he can feed himself. Conversely, should he be having a bad day, you can keep his hands restrained and give yourself and everyone around you the gift of silence with a strategic length across the mouth. Air holes can be provided if nasal congestion is an issue.
Next week: Nanny Floggem explores the possibilities of Velcro pyjamas as an aid to sleep training.
