Letters Page by Nigel Macarthur
Our resident life and relationships expert, Jilly Billy, answers your letters.
Dear Jilly,
I am currently on the run from the police in Figshire and need a place to ‘hole up’. Can you help?
Jimmy H.
Dear Jimmy,
I understand the manager of the Red Lion will hide you for a few days. For a consideration, of course.
Dear Jilly,
I am a uniformed constable with the Figshire Constabulary, and am currently pursuing a villain with the alias Jimmy H. Any offers on where I might find him?
PC 453, Figborough.
Dear PC 453,
Please see the reply above for where he might well be headed.
Dear Jilly,
My husband is a uniformed constable with the Figshire Constabulary, and he is driving me mad with his ambition. He works all hours, and has been told that one more collar will get him on the fast track to the senior ranks. Please, please help me and save my marriage!
Mrs PC 453, Figborough (although I’d love to move upmarket!) .
Dear Mrs PC 453,
Probably the best thing to do is to have a final talk to him, and tell him that I was lying about Jimmy H in the reply to his letter. I wasn’t, but for the sake of your marriage, I think it is better if Jimmy H gets away this time.
Dear Jilly,
A friend of mine (identical age, weight, DNA, etc.) is the manager of a Red Lion-type of place in a Figborough-sized town. He is wondering whether it would offer security in his old age if he were to become a ‘grass’. A local criminal is currently staying here. I mean, is staying there, and maybe it would be good money to ‘shop’ him.
Mystery Man, somewhere like Figborough (but not it, obviously).
Dear Mystery Man,
Since you threw me out of your gaff for being drunk just last night, you can whistle through a comb and tissue paper for any advice whatsoever. Have you never heard of loyalty? And what about poor Mrs PC 453, eh? One more collar and she becomes a police career widow! And I was not drunk!
Dear Jilly,
Doesn’t matter. He’s gone now.
Mystery Man
Dear Mystery Man,
Problem solved, then! Oooooh, my head!
Dear Jilly,
I am wondering how to cope with my husband’s sudden sexual demands. Since he failed to collar Jimmy H and wasn’t promoted, he has ignored work and become an ideal husband. I’m exhausted. Any advice?
Mrs PC 453, Figborough
Dear Mrs PC 453,
Make the most of it while you can! I intend to shop Jimmy H as soon as I can. He broke into the offices of this newspaper last night and took pretty well everything that wasn’t nailed down. Maybe if I hadn’t been so concerned with your wretched marriage, I would have told your husband where to find him and that would have been that!
