Hyperbolitics by Nigel Macarthur
Our correspondent conducts his first interview with the relevant new cabinet and shadow cabinet ministers about exaggeration and cliché use in political coverage.
Ministers have reacted angrily to suggestions that they don’t put enough fire into their replies and reactions.
‘It is simply outrageous,’ Tom Andjerry, the Minister for Exaggeration, said today. ‘We do all we can to spice up a normal conversation and make it sound as though World War III has broken out.’
But the Shadow Exaggeration Minister, Bill Payment, said, ‘The government are in complete disarray over exaggeration. By which I mean that a few small mistakes have been made, or things are taking slightly longer than they thought they would. If I might just launch a stinging attack, it’s clear to me and it’ll be clear to the electorate that this is yet another example of stock phrases’ being used to make things sound more serious than they are.’
‘I had better express concern,’ Andjerry interjected. ‘I think I ought to interject, rather than just saying it, and there is one other point I ought to make. There isn’t, but I ought to suggest that I have far more to contribute to the interview than I actually do’
Our exaggeration correspondent, Jimmy Kwipment, then asked which of the pair would be ‘quick to deny’ that, away from the commons, they get on very well and, in fact, often play golf together.
‘I haven’t managed to make my point yet,’ Andjerry protested, rather than just saying it. ‘I should probably also make some remark about the bias of journalists before doing so.’
‘But I need to get in some complaint about sound bites,’ Payment said. ‘I need to give a sound bite myself, such as “You can see the teeth marks from the sound bites”, or some such thing.’
‘But questions are being asked,’ Andjerry claimed. ‘Although we aren’t likely to get beyond the one about “Will you make a statement?”.’
‘Some people, whoever they are, will be wondering,’ continued Kwipment, ‘what the next move is.’
‘Well, obviously, we will be calling for an enquiry. The government will refuse and we will use the phrase “cover-up”. That’s usually how it works.’
‘And you will wait a couple of days and then use the phrase “Pressure is mounting on the government…”.’
‘Exactly! We have to assume that there will be an enquiry into lack of government exaggeration at some point, so we then have to question the impartiality of those who will be taking part in it.’
‘And if they are all paragons of impartiality and there is no suggestion found that the government is guilty?’
‘The terms of reference of the enquiry were too narrow.’
‘Finally, and very briefly, are both of you going to resign?’
‘This really isn’t a resigning issue. Lack of exaggeration is due to an error by a junior member of staff who has been disciplined.’
‘Gentlemen, thank you.’
