Horoscopes by Robert Wilton

 

Taurus

A tall dark stranger will come into your life this week, offering the promise of stability tinged with a welcome dash of romance and adventure. Grab the chance, for God's sake. It's hardly likely to come again, is it? But don't blame us if it all goes wrong.
Lucky number: 214

Gemini

A friend will turn out this week to be an android working as the advance party for an imminent alien invasion of the planet earth and the subjugation of the human species in an eternal nightmare of soulless humiliation and servitude. Keep on her good side.
Lucky week: 43rd

Cancer

Relationship uncertainty this week is likely to become irretrievable separation before the weekend. Don't expect to survive in your current job beyond Thursday. That irritating sniffle is actually the precursor for something worse than you can possibly imagine. Feeling a bit down? It's hardly started, believe me.
Lucky day: Tuesday (except afternoons)

Leo

Why are you taking everything so seriously? Just snap out of it! Put down the knife. Put dow – no, this isn't about Terry. Seriously, put – ow, that hurt.
Lucky number: none

Virgo

Nothing to report.
Lucky pudding: fig roll

Libra

At 6.45 on Wednesday a man called Dennis will ask you the way to the Odeon. Feign ignorance. On Saturday evening you will forget to brush your teeth.
Lucky philosopher: John Stuart Mill

Scorpio

Job getting you down, money slipping through your fingers, can't make a relationship last, people seem to be avoiding you? Perhaps it's you. Seriously.
Lucky tube line: Hammersmith & City

The goat man thing

Complications arise when an old flame is released from prison early and begins a savage campaign of violence against you, your family and everyone you have ever met. Take things slowly for a bit; better times are around the corner.
Lucky Spice Girl: Mel C

Capricorn

On the zodiacal cusp, with traffic backing up on the M40 and light showers over East Anglia, it's not the time for dramatic new spending plans. To conserve money, eat cushions, fare-dodge on the bus, and spend less. A Korean will bring you spoons.
Lucky driving infringement: failing to come to a complete stop at the lights

Aquarius

Expect big wins on the financial and romantic fronts this week! Sounds implausible? You're taking advice from a newspaper column analysing a spurious and misunderstood set of ancient superstitions. What would you know?
Lucky form of government: theocracy

Pisces

The alignment of the planets makes this just the week to conduct a lightning invasion of Poland. Stall and placate rivals with empty diplomatic gestures and illusory shows of force, while concentrating the main force of your armoured troops in one massive blow on the Vistula before driving rapidly for Warsaw. Avoid new financial commitments on Monday and Tuesday.
Lucky UN Secretary-General: Dag Hammerskjöld

The other one

Venus is moving into Saturn this week. Not sure what that means. Best keep an eye out.
Lucky Cluedo piece: Mrs White

 

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