ELIZABETH: One is not terribly familiar with Ms Windsor, but one admires her all the same. One last met her in 2001 in the Royal Borough of Walford. One terribly enjoys that documentary. ‘Tis One’s fav. My husband and I often settle down with a Pot Noodle Supper to enjoy such vital viewing. One loved Ms Windsor’s boots on that occasion. One would love to dress just so, but Royal Protocol forbids. One just has to restrict the wearing of such lovely footwear to the privacy of One’s Estates. One has very many dogs whom One adores. One also has four children who aren’t half bad and a fleet of grandchildren with the most marvelous tombstone teeth. When One’s Mother was alive, One used to very much enjoy cosy nights around the two-bar fire on the Norfolk Estate watching the ‘Carry On’ Films.
One admires Ms Windsor for her choice of suitors.One loves the Nobility and One believes she was once married to a Knight known simply as ‘ Ronnie’. One also envies her for her latest toyboy. What fun One would have beating through Sandringham with a man in his ‘50s. One would choose the Duke of Westminster. One’s Royal Genealogist is tracing the Windsor lineage to see if One is related to Ms Windsor. To have a real Cockney Sparrow in One’s family would be pucker.

BARBARA: I am a Cockney so I love the Royals. Her Majesty is a diamond. My real surname is Deeks, don’t you know, and Elizabeth is from the House of Saxe-Coburg. How amusing that we should both take the same stage name. My great Aunt Gert was a cook at Buckingham Palace. Apparently, she caught Queen Mary stealing snuff from her apron. Would you Adam and Eve it! I and The Queen have much in common. We both enjoy a residence in Central London, and have both experienced life in a Castle – though mine was the Elephant and, rather than Windsor. I am very proud to be Her subject and prouder still that my ex, Ronnie, was invited to spend seven years at Her Majesty’s pleasure. We have met thrice. Once in the toilet queue at the London Palladium; once when I received mine OBE; and my husband and I were absolutely delighted to show her around Wolford. ‘Twas then that I felt she took a shine to my daisy roots. Had we been related I would have said “Would you care to borrow them, dearest Cousin?” If Aunt Gert knew that I had met the Old Broad Bean she would be so proud. Forsooth she would.